Life...life as we know it!

Did you ever stop to think?

Think about every small, infinitesimal decision we make in our everyday lives? I do...I have the heavy burden this last year of my life, of what most wish for & never get, ''too much time on my hands''. Too much time to cry, to retrace the tiniest of steps in my life & wonder how or when I fell off track.

Burdened by the heavy heartedness weighing on my soul. The rebirth of the shell of a woman my life's biggest mistake left me as. The digging through the muck & mire he left within my heart...to clear out the corners, the recesses, and find the fighter, the warrior within, the proud...YES, PROUD ORSINI girl I was brought up to be. To bare witness to what I have seen, what myself & my child have endured, confessions I have heard, moments that replay in my mind like a broken record...a record I would love to smash into oblivion & cast upon a fire, moments that play out like scenes from a dramatic film, the kind on the Lifetime network that seem so tragic & made up...and ''I'' am the UNIMAGINEABLE LEAD actress. Still...still I have the strength & courage to realize I must prevail for the sake of my precious little boy, my son, and yes...for myself as well. I cannot, will not be broken down. I will not sit back, lie down & take it, no longer will I be placed in submission to have his reign of terror & web of lies & deceit be forced down my throat.

There is a God...he knows all, hears all, and I know that my prayers do not, and will not fall upon deaf ears.

It will all be said an done...and the piper will be paid at Heaven's gates.

So, back to my original train of thought. ''Life...life as we know it!'' In a nutshell, so to speak...as if life itself can fit in the shell of a nut?

So, once there was a little girl, born unto a family...last of five...the tiny miracle who sat in an incubator. Raised with love, hopes, dreams, and given strength & wings to fly.

Somewhere, in her small tiny little life...she would never be able to grasp the importance of what decisions await her in her life ahead.

One can say that our lives & choices that we make in them can be retraced...back into our youth, how we were raised, whom & what we were exposed to.

I can retrace my steps, cast blame upon someone else, but I know...know that I have no one to blame but myself. My decisions were made whole heartedly, with hopes that I chose correctly. My hopes were shattered brick by brick, bit by bit. The one thing I trusted so blindly...my heart, refused to work with my mind. I made fear based decisions, with weak foundations. The artist, the trusting girl with the innocent heart...the girl who loved a challenge...and to fix things. You cannot fix what is already broken to bits. You cannot dust off a fossil of feces & find a diamond. A diamond in the rough is still just a rock...you can polish it, add facets & place it in a fancy setting...but it is still...JUST A ROCK.

But I digress...

Life...as we know it! Dreams, hopes, happy times, sad times, bad times...wish I could just turn back the hands of time, listen to my mind, know within me that I was strong enough to stand on my own & to trust the signs placed before me.

Now, as I rise in the rebirth of my new found self...I mourn...mourn for the life that could have been. If I could have trusted my own mind to begin with, listened to God's signs placed before me...this may all be just a bad dream now.

I have hopes, dreams, and still believe in true love, one person made just for me, and happily ever afters.

Take me back, wish me back...to a time when things were fresh, new & simple. Back to a teenage girl...unsure & afraid...afraid of her very own shadow...but sure in her mind, which was working in syncronicity with her heart at the time...back to when a ''light'' meant something far greater than it seemed. Different choices, different paths into a life filled with nothing but promises, hopes, dreams & with no reference point of heartache, betrayal & pain.

Simply a boy, meets a girl, with kismet they go onto a life of ''Happily ever after''...even if there were bumps along the path...it would be welcome bliss.

For now...I sit back & mourn the years of yesterdays bad choices, infinitesimal, I THINK NOT. To the daughter I was never able to have & may very well, never come to be...I mourn for your non-existence. And to my son, I only wish you were born into a nicer scenario. I will do what I can, I am re-paving our path to Happily Ever Afterland...and will persevere through the most treacherous of storms...after all, I always pack an umbrella!

Obscured By Clouds

Obscured by clouds...
The dark and dreary days.
Misty hazy moments of precipitation.

When it begins with a brightly lit orb that hangs ever so gently upon the cotton candy clouds that settle on the wind. Then as the day sets in, the clouds transform, fade to gray, and the rumble begins. Will it be the faintest of drizzles that tickle like the whiskers of a kitten? Or will it roll in bearing the darkest of pitch skies, the rumble of thunder, accompanied by flashes of deadly electric light displays?

I wish I knew...
I am obscured by clouds and the misty fog that looms.

Perhaps I will set sail a lovely paper boat in a puddle in their wake?

The Boy Who Would Say ''No''...

There once was a boy...

He was the very happiest of little boys in all the world...born in the land of La Dee Da. His name was Prince Louie! He was the prince of everything in La Dee Da...the land of all things happy & joyful. You see, in the realm of Prince Louie, everything revolved completely around him. The birds rose & sang in the very presence of his loveliness, the flowers bloomed, grass swayed in the direction of each step, in fact, nothing there knew quite what to do without him. You see Louie was the the moon, the sun, the earth & sky to them. Ahhh...the life of a young prince, to be the be all & end all in, his own world of positively perfection & definitely definites!

Yes, everything was loverly, loverly indeed! Until...the one day when the sky was not quite blue enough, the flowers not fully bloomed, the blue bird slept in, and the worm, well lets just say...he was not quite caught that day.

On this day, all was not ''just right''...it was lovely, just not lovely enough...and this he did not like! How could this be? Can this be true? That everything that existed was not all about you? He crumpled his brow & threw up his fist & screamed ''NO! NO! I DO NOT LIKE THIS!'' '' I will not have this, NO!, this will not do! NO!, NO!, NO!, NO! NO!...I do not want to!''

Prince Louie had discovered this ugly word you see...the word with just two letters, but oh so powerful & mean. Could it be, that this wonderfully charming young boy could ever be...this furious young man & at the age of only three. This word that he uttered with such hideous contempt, froze in his mouth, until there was none others left. His ''Yes's'', ''Definitely's'' and ''Maybe's'' were through...it was all ''NO'' now & not one thing would do.

Until Prince Louie had begun to see...that nothing, not one thing was happy with he. They all tried so hard, tried everything to please, to bring smiles & yes's & thank you's & glee. But everything turned sour, he forgot how to smile, until suddenly everything started to scowl. He realized he had not seen a flower in sight, that he began to see that it was not everything, but him who was not quite right. His heart began aching, the tears they did well, in his eyes that showed pain for the wrongs he needed righting & hugs to make up for all of his fighting. How much time he had wasted, on such selfish needs, a need for simply everything he wanted & only for he. He noticed that when this all came to be, was on the day he chose negatively...to use that word ''NO'' so tragically. So, now Louie knew what he had to do...was to turn ''No's'' into ''yes's'' & become tried & true.

So, now that young Louie felt bad for his deeds, he said sorry, gave kissies & huggies with glee. And now things were again La Dee Da...for Prince Louie said ''Yes'' & from now on he'll go far.

The Many Shades of Gray...

The Many Shades of Gray...

Ever analyzed the colors in a rainbow? Concentrate on the many hues & variations of tones...until the details are almost pixelated.

Well, I have, and I do...

A rainbow is more than just a prism of colors in the aftermath of a storm. No...it is of a far greater significance than that. I look at it as a promise...God's promise that there is something far greater on the other side.

I have seen rainbows in my time, the veritable Crayola explosion of color...muted in a mist across the sky. Well, I have seen rainbows...witnessed the warmth of just the idea of them. How the warmth of the sunlight, if you look at it from a dreamers perspective can cast a soft rainbow prism across your life in a way. That light warming & casting color in my imagination...turning flowers to their ever vibrant hues, adding the brightest tone of green to a field of grass, how that light, that ''brilliant'' light...can somehow cause ones heart to warm & beat to a hypnotic, rhythmic drone of happiness.

Of course...in the imagination of a dreamer.

Then, the sun comes out, the clouds make way to reveal the bluest of blue skies...that promise ''somewhat'' revealed.

I have seen rainbows...heard the song that played in it's prism. Yes, I have seen rainbows...felt, smelled, imagined rainbows. The very best part of a rainbow is when it's discovered...and until the tragedy of the harsh daylight fades it's colors & dries up the dew.

Oh yes...I have seen rainbows.

And the many shades of gray that follow in it's wake.

But I know this...the seas will soak up, causing the inevitable common drought, but then the sky will darken, the clouds roll in, the sky will release it's bucket loads of water and maybe...just maybe...that rainbow will emerge & reveal it's radiance once more in the wake of the most treacherous of storms.

I believe in the promise of the rainbow & that God wants to fill our lives with light & song...of what waits on the other side.

Out of the drought comes rain, the rainbow & it's promise, then the brightest explosion of sunlight to shine upon the rose in the desert & nourish it's petals with it's warmth.

Oh yes...I have seen rainbows, and the many shades of gray that follow.

Perhaps...if not to dream...dream of a rainbows hues.

Mobile Blogging...

Hello again, from the darkest depths of the shadowy forest my dear friends....

Me tinks that Ophelia has finally figured out how to blog on the go!

This is my first of many, if this does in fact work!

And away I go...
Flutter! Flutter! Flyyyyy!!!

That which does not kill me...

That which does not kill me, only makes me stronger...
I am faced with adversity & I am standing strong.
Where I once was weak, I now am stronger, stronger than I could have ever imagined.

The love of a mother can not compare.
The love of your child, the little soul who came from inside you, and dug into the depths of your soul, the one who touched your heart in a way that can never be touched.
My child, my son, my life.
I will walk across fire for you, slay dragons for you & give you a life full of love, hope, peace & tranquility, you will feel the love of God through me...your mother.
I will give you all that I am, and help you to be all that you can be.
Guide you, teach you, nurture you in the way that only a mother can know.
I love you my beautiful boy, my love, my Luis.

Until the ends of the earth & until the end of time itself.