Life...life as we know it!

Did you ever stop to think?

Think about every small, infinitesimal decision we make in our everyday lives? I do...I have the heavy burden this last year of my life, of what most wish for & never get, ''too much time on my hands''. Too much time to cry, to retrace the tiniest of steps in my life & wonder how or when I fell off track.

Burdened by the heavy heartedness weighing on my soul. The rebirth of the shell of a woman my life's biggest mistake left me as. The digging through the muck & mire he left within my heart...to clear out the corners, the recesses, and find the fighter, the warrior within, the proud...YES, PROUD ORSINI girl I was brought up to be. To bare witness to what I have seen, what myself & my child have endured, confessions I have heard, moments that replay in my mind like a broken record...a record I would love to smash into oblivion & cast upon a fire, moments that play out like scenes from a dramatic film, the kind on the Lifetime network that seem so tragic & made up...and ''I'' am the UNIMAGINEABLE LEAD actress. Still...still I have the strength & courage to realize I must prevail for the sake of my precious little boy, my son, and yes...for myself as well. I cannot, will not be broken down. I will not sit back, lie down & take it, no longer will I be placed in submission to have his reign of terror & web of lies & deceit be forced down my throat.

There is a God...he knows all, hears all, and I know that my prayers do not, and will not fall upon deaf ears.

It will all be said an done...and the piper will be paid at Heaven's gates.

So, back to my original train of thought. ''Life...life as we know it!'' In a nutshell, so to speak...as if life itself can fit in the shell of a nut?

So, once there was a little girl, born unto a family...last of five...the tiny miracle who sat in an incubator. Raised with love, hopes, dreams, and given strength & wings to fly.

Somewhere, in her small tiny little life...she would never be able to grasp the importance of what decisions await her in her life ahead.

One can say that our lives & choices that we make in them can be retraced...back into our youth, how we were raised, whom & what we were exposed to.

I can retrace my steps, cast blame upon someone else, but I know...know that I have no one to blame but myself. My decisions were made whole heartedly, with hopes that I chose correctly. My hopes were shattered brick by brick, bit by bit. The one thing I trusted so blindly...my heart, refused to work with my mind. I made fear based decisions, with weak foundations. The artist, the trusting girl with the innocent heart...the girl who loved a challenge...and to fix things. You cannot fix what is already broken to bits. You cannot dust off a fossil of feces & find a diamond. A diamond in the rough is still just a rock...you can polish it, add facets & place it in a fancy setting...but it is still...JUST A ROCK.

But I digress...

Life...as we know it! Dreams, hopes, happy times, sad times, bad times...wish I could just turn back the hands of time, listen to my mind, know within me that I was strong enough to stand on my own & to trust the signs placed before me.

Now, as I rise in the rebirth of my new found self...I mourn...mourn for the life that could have been. If I could have trusted my own mind to begin with, listened to God's signs placed before me...this may all be just a bad dream now.

I have hopes, dreams, and still believe in true love, one person made just for me, and happily ever afters.

Take me back, wish me back...to a time when things were fresh, new & simple. Back to a teenage girl...unsure & afraid...afraid of her very own shadow...but sure in her mind, which was working in syncronicity with her heart at the time...back to when a ''light'' meant something far greater than it seemed. Different choices, different paths into a life filled with nothing but promises, hopes, dreams & with no reference point of heartache, betrayal & pain.

Simply a boy, meets a girl, with kismet they go onto a life of ''Happily ever after''...even if there were bumps along the path...it would be welcome bliss.

For now...I sit back & mourn the years of yesterdays bad choices, infinitesimal, I THINK NOT. To the daughter I was never able to have & may very well, never come to be...I mourn for your non-existence. And to my son, I only wish you were born into a nicer scenario. I will do what I can, I am re-paving our path to Happily Ever Afterland...and will persevere through the most treacherous of storms...after all, I always pack an umbrella!